April 20, 2024
Sex in the Imaginal Realms can have as many motivations and flavors as in the physical world. I was taken aback this morning by a sexual encounter that was sweet and pure in the religious sense but that also has left me a bit dazed and humbled.
Before I get to the naughty bits, though, I’ll describe the lead up.
Most of my meditation today dealt with a teaching I’m receiving about my early childhood. I’ve been working with a multilayered object relationship/super ego attack/underdeveloped soul structure around groups. What was my earliest group? My family, of course.
Like a lot of queer people, I have always felt ambivalent about groups. Mostly, I don’t trust them. My experiences as a child from babyhood to young adulthood in groups left me scarred. I have been seriously injured by group activities and behaviors to the point where I have a really hard time believing there can possibly be such a thing as a healthy group.
Of course, I’ve developed a whole constellation of object relations about groups as a result. The self image in these relationships is usually me feeling small but also incredulous. The smallness is easy to understand: I literally was small and helpless, especially when I was a baby/toddler. The incredulous part is not so obvious so I’ll explain it: I was shocked to the point of trauma by how barbaric the people around me were. I came into the family open and vulnerable and the people surrounding me were dark, closed-down, dead inside and brutish.
The interesting thing is that I knew on some level that there was something very wrong with everyone around me. How could I know that if it was all I knew? The answer seems obvious to me but will probably be hard for most readers to cotton to: Past lives. One past life, in particular, gave me a template for what a healthy and loving relationship could be like. Without that experience, I might have even been more traumatized by my childhood experiences in this life.
My impressions of babyhood into toddler-dom are of darkness and undifferentiated/merged states. I hadn’t developed an ego yet so didn’t have a strong sense of self. Consequently, I merged with the chaotic environment full of suffering. Talk about negative merging! It really was hell and it was the impetus to split off and form an ego.
When I feel into these early impressions, I see darkness and feel deep pain. They felt destructive and disintegrating. Eventually, I developed an ego but that only left me feeling dead inside and depressed. I was cut off not only from the terrible wounding but also from any contact with the Real inside myself. Still hell, albeit a more tolerable one. I remember being hospitalized for several weeks due to chronic depression, although they didn’t call it that at the time; the doctors really had no idea what was wrong with me. (If that happened today, I suspect there would be more understanding but this was the early 1970s.)
Today during meditation, I could feel these deep, early structures being worked on by Presence. There was Blackness but it was mixed with Amber. A deep, rich, sweet, apricot-flavored sort of Amber that felt both healing and nourishing. This black, rich, amber syrup trickled over the hardened structure, gradually permeating it. When it reached the dead core (which looks like gray chalk), the chalk turned into sparkling diamonds. For a time, I felt the simultaneous effects of the Black, Amber and Diamond Will.
The deep wounding and deadened structure weren’t healed - that will take a long time - but they were touched. And I could feel my entrenched object relation constellation around groups begin to soften very slightly. So, no, this wasn’t a miraculous healing experience that left me completely refreshed and reborn. Like I said, this hurt is deep and the wound is big. It will take a lot of time and repeated experiences to heal it.
When the Essential aspects eventually faded away, I was left feeling very at home in my soul body, the Pearl Body. It felt substantive and full, albeit dark. My skin was black but there was a pulsing amber glow emanating from my heart. I could feel the richness and the poignancy.
I was in darkness. This was the darkness of the Absolute that I’ve experienced many times. This time, however, I was aware of feeling fear. This fear felt rational. Maybe I’ve been naive in the past but this time I understood how big of a risk it is to be in the Absolute. There is so much power and annihilation. It is beautiful and loving, too, of course, but one would have to be silly not to feel a little fear when dissolved in such deep, pulsing Blackness.
A monk appeared before me, dressed in the garb of a brother of an Eastern Orthodox order. I have no idea if he really was a monk but I suspect that, if he wasn’t a monk, he was a deeply religious individual. I recognized within him a familiar gray chalk. In fact, the chalk gave his body form and shape but it was also brittle as if it might break into bits at any moment. Ah, the chalk of inner deadness! How well I know it!
I was moved by his appearance before me and reached out to embrace him in a warm hug. He received it somewhat stoically, as one might expect from one made of chalk. As we hugged, I was drawn upward through his soul to a field of brilliant sunflowers. I was reminded of the Ukraine and its sunflower fields. Was this monk somehow connected with the Ukraine?
In this field, the monk was a blooming, golden sunflower sparkling with dew in the light of a radiant sun overhead. The sky was the purest bluest and his leaves were such rich green. It was truly a magnificent sight to behold and I was deeply affected by it.
In this vision, my body was human and golden. In the radiant light of the sun, the deep Amber was now golden honey. My Pearl Body was honey in human form, light and sweet and glowing. I was very touched by this.
It seemed like the monk was communicating with me by taking me here to this field of golden sunflowers. There was a connection between here and the ‘down below,’ the dark place where we’d first encountered each other.
As I stayed with the vision, I was drawn back down into the darkness. This time, though, both of us were enveloped in golden honey that shone with the radiance of the sun. His body had changed and he was no longer made of chalk. Now he was a very lithe, young and handsome young man with dark hair and a dark beard. He instantly through himself into my arms with a surprising passion and we kissed, locking lips. He buried his tongue down my throat and overwhelmed me with the force of his passionate love.
I recognized this as the ecstatic love one feels when merging with the Divine. Did he believe that I was the Divine? Was that my role here for him? As I said at the beginning of this entry, the experience has left me deeply humbled as well as somewhat confused.
He wanted to have sex.
He was on fire with love and would not stop until I was inside him. He leaped up into my arms and wrapped his legs around my waist, guiding my penis into his butt. He settled down onto my cock and we fucked. Oh, did I fuck him! Even though I was taken aback by the suddenness and intensity of our coming together, who was I to deny him his desire? He wanted my cock inside him as far as it would go. He wanted to completely merge with me, devour me and be devoured.
It was the kind of sex that leaves you panting and completely spent afterwards. The climax was intense and mind-blowing and I lost consciousness for a few moments. When I regained consciousness, we were lying beneath evergreen trees in a misty forest.
I knew this place.
It was the Crossroads.
The young man next to me had changed. He was now very pale, almost gaunt, and was looking around him at the misty forest of the Crossroads in surprise. I don’t think this was where he thought he’d find himself as that blissful union.
The Woman in White was standing before us. She was wearing a beautiful dress of gossamer threads and she was covering her mouth with her hand. She was clearly amused by our nudity and the obvious fact that we’d just had a particularly steamy bout of sex. Reaching out her hand to the man, she lifted him off the ground and led him away. He followed her, looking around him in wonder and confusion.
I was in a similar state, lying back on my elbows in a daze. What the fuck had just happened?
I’m still sorting it out and will likely come to a different understanding. Right now, I’m struck by the religious fervor he demonstrated when fucking me. Clearly, to him the act was one of giving himself over to the ecstasy of the Divine, allowing himself to be penetrated by the Divine and surrendering utterly to it. In this, I was like a conduit, a stand-in, for the Divine. Talk about the bridal chamber of the Divine!
I’m touched, humbled and disoriented by the experience. Sex was the last thing I expected this morning! And I didn’t do anything to encourage it. He was hellbent on me fucking him. Who was I to stop him? Still, the suddenness and intensity of the experience will take some time to digest.
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