January 13, 2023

 This morning, it was an ogress who found me. We were in a cave and she was immense, both in terms of size and width. She had grey skin and a long neck with shaggy hair. She was also very plump with big breasts and a large rump. It was obvious to me that she was not a threat, though, and had only sought me out for help. Sort of like the man yesterday, she was searching for her soulmate.


With the ogress was a tiny, yellow fairy. This fairy seemed familiar and not because “she” reminded of Tinkerbell. (I actually couldn’t tell her gender.) I knew that the fairy was present as the guide for the ogress and she would lead us to the ogress’s soulmate.


The fairy led us out of the cave and into a pine forest. It was mountainous but not difficult terrain. We climbed a long, low ridge, gradually rising above the forest. At the top of the ridge was a giant tower that was made of pure obsidian. It was shiny and black and unscalable. At the top, was a woman in black obsidian armor. She appeared to be frozen in place.


I wondered how I would ever climb the tower because it was clearly meant as a sort of prison. You would have thought that the obsidian, being black, was my gateway but that was not so. It took the arrival of a black angel to shatter the obsidian coating from the tower and also from the woman’s armor. Having done so, the angel waited for me to ascend the tower.


I climbed up and arrived at the top, looking down upon the woman. She had collapsed after her armor shattered and was lying on the floor at my feet. Around her wrists were a pair of obsidian handcuffs. The angel inclined his head and I knew my job was to break the handcuffs, liberating the woman to join her soulmate down below. The cuffs were shiny black but, unlike the tower, I found I could ‘enter’ them through their blackness and, in doing so, shattered them. The woman, now free, leaped down from the tower and enjoyed a joyous reunion with her ogre soulmate (who I suspect, but don’t know for certain, is really human.) The pair may or may not have had sex like the man and his lover from yesterday. (I wasn’t looking.) When they were ready, the yellow, glowing fairy transformed into a tall angel and led them away on the phase of their journey. I recognized this yellow angel from previous encounters.


I thought that my work was done but the black angel did not leave. Instead, he gathered me up into his arms and kissed me. The kiss was a coming together, a merging, and I could feel him permeating my soul. Every corner of my soul was available to him but he was most curious about a particular corner of my heart. He was not the only one who was curious; I realized that the moon in the sky over the tower wasn’t a moon at all but the Woman in White. She was suspended over us, glowing brilliantly silver-white and she was also interested to see what secrets lay hidden in this chamber of my heart.


With the support of the black angel and the Woman in White, it was possible to enter the chamber. I immediately was overwhelmed with both fear and grief. This was the chamber where the child of one of my past lifetimes–the one somewhere in Asia when ‘I’ was forced into a monastery, probably after the death of my parents. This poor, young boy had felt incredibly alone and abandoned after being forced to join the monastery and he was overwhelmed with grief and fear. He desperately needed the love and support of kind, caring adults but didn’t receive it. Instead, he was a prisoner in hollow blackness. The blackness seemed unending and threatened to drown him. In his case, the Black was terrifying.


I realized that the Black had terrified me during all three of human childhoods. In this current life, I have strong impressions of being abandoned in the dark. There was no one there for me, no one to comfort or protect me. This feels related to my mother being depressed and therefore unavailable emotionally and my father being unpredictable–sometimes kind and sometimes violent, therefore untrustworthy. In the one I call Lucas’ life, he was abandoned in blackness after Griffin murdered him. He has strong impressions of being lost in blackness, still connected to Griffin after death but Griffin was unavailable, basically dead. This was incredibly disturbing for poor Lucas.


So, a theme of blackness, abandonment, powerlessness, fear and lack of support and love. This hidden chamber was emblematic of this. With the love and support of the black angel and the Woman in White, I could be with this part of me and feel his pain and terror and allow it all to be there. For a long time, the fear and sense of drowning was nearly overwhelming but gradually this changed when I began to recognize that the blackness was innately benevolent. Seeing it as threatening and deprived and overwhelming was a veil. Once the veil began to dissolve, the inherent beauty and support of blackness was more apparent.


I doubt this is the end of this story but I feel like there was somewhat of a breakthrough. We’ll see what happens over the coming weeks and months…


***

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